How to Go Clubbing When You’re (Almost) 40


The only evidence left of suburban clubbing.

1.) At a Girls Night Out, spend 1 hour and 10 minutes picking a date when all ten of you can go out clubbing in the ATL.

2.) Spend the next two weeks furiously sending emails to each other debating the merits of all the coolest clubs in midtown, despite the fact that hardly anyone knows anything about the coolest clubs in midtown.

3.) Debate the merits of getting a limo and/or a VIP table. Because if you haven’t been clubbing in almost twenty years, you should do it right.

4.) In the final days leading to the BIG CLUBBING NIGHT, witness your girlfriends bow out one by one because of so-called “family obligations.”

5.) Whine to the leftovers about what could possibly be more important than clubbing.

6.) Come up with a last minute plan to go to a club IN THE SUBURBS!

7.) Contemplate the merits of clubbing in the suburbs. Is it sacrilegious? Is it sane? Is it an act of desperation?

8.) Debate outfit. Try on sexy black mini and clingy tank top. On second thought, change into sweater turtleneck dress with fleece-lined tights so that every inch of your skin is covered up. Now you are making a statement– you could go both clubbing and to a PTA meeting.**

9.) Reach club with your three friends at 10:15 PM on a Saturday night. You are the only people there. Given that this is the suburbs, you assume everyone else is sleeping.

11.) Marvel at $10 cover charge. Wonder if you could have found a Groupon to make it even cheaper.

10.) Sit around drinking to very loud music while a few more people trickle in. Consider going to Kroger to get groceries for the week until things pick up.

11.) Give up on a crowd, and dance like crazy with friends. You are the only people on the dance floor.

12.) Wonder why the DJ insists on pumping out smoke when no one is there to appreciate it.

13.) Wonder why no one is hitting on you when you look so hot in your turtleneck sweater dress.

14.) While resting on a couch, get reprimanded by bartender for sitting in the “VIP” section.

15.) Laugh hysterically that the club in your sleepy suburb has a VIP section.

16.) Leave with friends sweaty and tired from dancing, but excited to try this ridiculous suburban clubbing thing again.

17.) Arrive home at 12:36 AM, thankful that you may actually get 6 hours of sleep before a child wakes you up.

** That is, if you ever attended PTA meetings.

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12 thoughts on “How to Go Clubbing When You’re (Almost) 40

  1. You completely forgot ‘leave club to go to Kroger next door, do grocery, return to club.’:) I thought the funniest was the four of us sitting waiting for ‘proper music’:::))))

  2. Oh, shoot! I should have included that.

    Yes, we actually considered a trip to the grocery store while waiting for things to start hopping at the club!

  3. Funny! Sounds like it was a good time 🙂

    A good friend of mine has repeatedly tried to get me to go out dancing – something we did all of the time some years ago. But…

    The last time I danced was at Jazzercize. It was in the suburbs, too. And even that was a while ago.

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