Love it or leave it

This is exactly the same reason why I’m not blogging about Palin, despite the fact that she’s spread herself around so much, I half expect to look up at the night sky and see a constellation of her.

I’m taking a poll: Should I rent episodes of The Wire or Mad Men from Netflix? I haven’t seen a single episode of either show, but I keep hearing good stuff about both of them. Does The Wire have a lot of violence? I can’t take a lot of violence.

The other day I got my Atlantic in the mail, and read another essay by Sandra Tsing Loh. Commenters at 11D had an interesting discussion about her current situation. I’m going to focus on an assertion of hers that is probably not at all popular in the married population, but one that I believe has a ring of truth to it:

The very success of the modern American family—where kids get punctually to SAT-tutoring classes, the mortgage gets paid, the second-story remodel stays on budget—surely depends on spouses’ not being in love.

Fault Tsing Loh for having an affair and falling in love while married. Fault her for not having a permanent home for her children. For, essentially, living out of her Volvo. Fault her for her previous essay which blames the institution of marriage for her own marriage’s dissolution. (An essay which I didn’t care for in particular.)

But from where I sit, I have to agree with her. I don’t see a whole lot of love in people’s marriages. Before you jump down my throat, let me qualify my statement. I know a lot of wonderful people who are in long term committed relationships. They are great parents to their children. I expect that most of these couples will be together until one of them passes on. But it seems to me that creating a world with comfort and security for the family sometimes leaves no room for love.

I suppose when I say “love” I mean the romantic kind. I realize that it’s impossible to make time (or have the money) for date nights. And I fully realize that sparks tend to fizzle out when you have young children. But it seems that friendship and cooperation, at some point in a marriage, push out a lot of the love. And while I see absolutely nothing wrong with this, I certainly “get” Tsing Loh on her point.

I don’t blog much about my husband, but I will tell you about my end of a conversation we had one night. We were watching some TV show where the characters were talking about their nonexistent sex lives with their partners. I looked at him point blank and told him that if the romance in our relationship disappeared, I would likely leave him. It’s fine if there’s a dry spell. But if we settle ourselves down into a complacent, comfortable partnership in which there is no passionate love, I can’t imagine I’d want to stick around to pick up his dirty socks. Life is too damn short.

Finally, another post up at skirt!

What’s it worth to ya?

I’ve decided to halt with the NaNoWriMo project, for no reason other than I’m just not in the mood. But in the two weeks I did write, I learned a helluva lot. For one, I love writing, I really do. But for the long term, I don’t think I’m cut out for getting up before kids get up to write. It was fine for the 2ish weeks I did it, but I was becoming crankier and crankier as time went on. Staying up late doesn’t work too well for me, either. Writing with childcare — that works the absolute best. The two mornings a week while the sitter was here, I could easily write 3,000 words, and run 1 or 2 shortish errands. It was perfect.

Which is a long way of saying that I’ve been thinking about preschool for next fall and what it brings — the exceedingly wonderful opportunity of regular, routine, childcare — as well as the fact that I will send my last child to school, and finally have more time to actually develop a career, since I know I don’t want to go back to law.

There have been two things I’ve been mulling over. First, I’m thinking of taking an online writing seminar that focuses on memoir writing. I saw this one the other day (via Literary Mama) and it sounds intriguing. And I need to learn how to write better. Has anyone taken a writing course online, or any course online? I’m just wondering what it’s like.

Second, I recently found a certificate program on grant writing through a local university. A few hours are taught on campus, and the rest are online. I’ve thought about grant writing in the past. My favorite part of being a lawyer was writing legal documents — even the boring ones. But grant writing also appeals to me because it might help me connect to local non-profit work — which is another job sector that I’ve always kept in the back of my head.

The real rub for me is spending the money to do these things. I’d hate to pay for a $400 course plus money for preschool, if I then don’t get paying work out of it. But I suppose if I don’t want to continue in what I’m already trained in, then I need to spend more money to do what I want.

Either way, I’m getting antsy about being just a stay-at-home parent. I want some kind of a career, and I want it sometime soon.

 

“Being there” when you can’t be

Given that I’m a vegetarian, it might surprise you that my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. I love that Thanksgiving is about being grateful. I love that it reminds me about all the wonderful people I have in my life. I love that it’s about having good food and sharing it with others.

I love Thanksgiving because of it’s pureness and simplicity.

But two of the dearest people in my life are going to have a particularly difficult Thanksgiving this year. They are mourning people they’ve very recently lost. I can’t imagine what it must be like to face the upcoming onslaught of holidays without being able to hug the people you are missing so much.

So this is my question for you.

What do you do for a friend or family member who is hurting during the holidays, particularly when you are separated by distance? Is it better to make too many or too few phone calls? Should you send notes? Food? Things to distract their young children? Good books or trash magazines? Tea or hot chocolate mix?

Is it better to email or to call? Better to give them space or suffocate them with affection?

I want to find a way to do whatever I can to make things easier. And since, for the most part, I won’t physically be able to “be there” — I’d like to know what the next best thing is.

Nov. 14 Word Count :(

Last Saturday, I got a phone call that the man who was like a second dad to me, particularly during my teen and college years, had suddenly passed away.

My husband was working at the hospital all weekend, so I packed a large suitcase, put all three kids in the car, and drove to my hometown.

I drove back the next day. On Monday, I frantically made phone calls to arrange after school care for my two older kids and caught up on laundry. On Tuesday, I drove through Tropical Storm Ida with the Baby back to my hometown for the viewing. A two-hour trip took me three and a half hours, and we didn’t even stop.

Wednesday I attended the funeral, and drove back late Wednesday night with a baby who was grumpy from being in the car for nearly a dozen hours over a 5-day period.

I’m so tired, and so heartbroken. Today it’s sunny and beautiful and in the 70s, and I can’t believe this wonderful man isn’t here to enjoy it.

I haven’t written a single word for NaNoWriMo since last Saturday. I can’t imagine that I’ll be able to make it to 50,000 words now, but perhaps tomorrow I’ll start cranking it out again.

 

Nov. 5 Word Count: 14,724

This blog post was kind of a bummer to read about NaNoWriMo. It’s true, but I wish he had written it AFTER the month was over. It just kind of kills the buzz for me.

For a more positive spin on NaNoWriMo, here’s why NaNoWriMo has been such a great thing for me so far:

1.) It’s helped me to realize that I have plenty of time to write, and I make way too many excuses not to. Many people are far busier than I am, and they get it done.

2.) If nothing else, the writing I’m doing provides me with a great outline to work off of. I’m learning that topics I thought would make great chapters aren’t enough for a chapter.

3.) I write more if I feel accountable to others. I signed up to do it, I blogged about doing it, now I feel like I have to do it.

4.) When I put myself first, and my family second, my family ends up doing just fine. The kids help out more, my husband helps out more. Their lives do not collapse without me.

5.) I am a far better mother when I make time to write. I have more patience and rarely raise my voice. I spend more quality time with them.

6.) When I do something for myself, the kids are excited for me.

That’s all for now. Gotta get back to writing!

Nov. 4 Word Count: 12,014

My Evil Children are plotting against my well-hashed plan to wake up at 5:30 every morning to write. Last night I was woken up three times. Twice by one child’s nightmares, and once by Pathetic Congested Baby. I’m so tired I can hardly stand up.

I didn’t do any more writing last night. I was too busy criticizing the 18 remaining dancers of So You Think You Can Dance. Hardly any of my favorite dancers were even in the top 20 this season. The people that remain are very talented, but none of them blow me away like last season. Then I watched the first hour of By the People: The Election of Barack Obama. It was somewhat inspiration, but also quite boring.

This morning, when the babysitter came (yea! a babysitter day!) I was half tempted to walk upstairs and collapse in bed to take a nap. Instead, I packed up my laptop and drove to my local Panera, where I was lucky enough to get one of the two tables by the gas fireplace. (My Panera is a very competitive place to work. In the mornings, it looks like a corporate office.)

I’ve since slapped down another couple thousand words. But I think I’m writing too much, too soon. I’m already losing steam. I’m already starting to burn out.

 

Nov. 3 Word Count: 8,893

I wrote another thousand words last night while the family ate dinner. And some after the kids went to bed. Last night, I slept terribly so I couldn’t force myself up at 5:30 to do more writing. But my husband was off today, so he handled the baby while I knocked out 2,000 more words.

I’d love to get another 1,100 done by the time I go to bed, but I’m already burning out, and it’s only been three days. Crossing that 10,000 word mark might give me a boost of energy, though.

Right now I’m reading Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder. It’s kind of dull, but the information is compelling. It’s about how instead of playing out in open fields, our kids spend hours in front of the computer/TV, in organized sports, in piano lessons or other enrichment activities, or doing homework. Some of Louv’s theories are really interesting. He claims that kids in organized sports end up doing less exercise than kids allowed to simply roam in nature. (I have no personal knowledge of this because my kids aren’t currently involved in organized sports.) It links nature-deprivation to children’s inability to concentrate and keep their behavior in check. It claims that playground equipment, which is built in such a fashion to reduce liability, greatly limits kids’ range of motion. There’s also a sizable section on nature as therapy for ADHD.

I’m beginning to better appreciate our suburban neighborhood. Our house backs up to woods. It’s bordered on one side by a stream. In front, across the street, is a small pond. When you look out any window of my house, you see mature trees, wild growth, or water. And though I’ve never considered myself much of an outdoors person, I do know that when I sit at my kitchen table, or in the office, or living room, and I can see the mature trees framing the windows, the bluejays and cardinals racing between tree trunks, the deer crossing carefully in front of our street, I feel a sense of calm come over me. When the kids were younger and not in school all day, I had the time to drive somewhere to get to nature. But now that our time during the week (outside of school) is so short, I’m glad we have some of it right here, surrounding us, where we can step into it any time of day, for hours at a time.

I used to think I would be very happy living in an urban environment. Now, I’m not so sure.

Nov. 2 Word Count: 5,248

My plan this morning to wake up before the house and write was thwarted by a toddler who was up at 4:30. It took my husband and I until 6:30 to get her back to sleep. It seems as if she’s developing the same lousy cold that three of us now have.

Still, after we got her back to sleep, and got my 7-year old off to school, I started writing. It’s 8:40 am, and I already have over 2,000 words written. My 5-year old is home from school but entertaining herself. I’m going to stop now and jump in the shower while the baby is still asleep. Maybe I can squeeze in another 1,000 words by the end of the day today.

By the way, Halloween here was awful. It rained the whole day. Thankfully, it only drizzled during trick-or-treating, but I think the weather is the reason we’re all now coming down with something. Sunday? One of the prettiest days I’ve ever seen!

Nov. 1 — 3,020 words

A few days ago, I talked myself out of NaNoWriMo (well, for me it’s NaMeWriMo). Then I read Sue’s blog (can’t find the post where she says she’s doing it) and GeekyMom’s blog — and promptly borrowed some of their enthusiasm. And then I remembered Amy mustering through the month last year, and how brave I thought she was for even attempting it. (And Amy finished!) And this rah-rah post really got me motivated.

So I talked myself out of talking myself out of it. Then I decided that I was going to make myself write 2,000 words a day. Except I’ll skip Thanksgiving and the day of my daughter’s birthday party save a few more days off for when one of us is sick.

This morning I got up before anyone else, and wrote for an hour. By the end of an hour I had about 800 words. While my husband made pancakes, I wrote down another 400 words. And while the baby sat on my lap with play-dough, I wrote another 200. While the kids ate breakfast, I got to word # 2,007, and the end of a chapter, so I stopped.

I was hoping to get a reasonable outline together before starting, but that didn’t happen. I was also hoping that the baby’s new nap time was just a farce, and that she would go back to napping around 1:00 as opposed to 2:00. (The problem now being that she falls asleep only thirty minutes before my other two walk in the door from school.)

The good news is, is that our new babysitter (who is awesome, by the way) will be watching the baby for 3 hours, two mornings a week. On those days when I have some childcare, I know I can get to 2,000 words. The bad news is that the baby still couldn’t care less about watching TV for the days I don’t have childcare. (Believe me, I tried.) The other good news is that my knee started bothering me again so much, that I had to put a hold on my gym membership. No working out means more time to write.

The first 2,000 words came easily to me. There’s something incredibly liberating about writing without the limitations of revising or editing. I can write irresponsibly and not care. But I know it will get harder. Also, I’m forcing myself to do all fresh pages — I’m not allowed to use any of the 20ish pages I have in my book proposal.

Since it’s only the beginning, the ideas are plentiful, the writing is invigorating. This afternoon, while the baby was napping and the older two watched a movie, I wrote another 1,000 words. I’m wondering whether I should try to write 3,000 words a day for the first 10 days, while I have the energy and the adrenaline going. But my 5-year old now has a fever and will be home from school tomorrow. I’ll just have to see how it goes.

Bring on the caffeine and the Halloween chocolate. Only 47,000ish words to go.

Just Another Smart Alec

I’m hoping news of the Baby Einstein refund, as well as the admission that these annoying videos actually didn’t do crap for our kids’ intellect, squashes the entire “educational” toy industry. I never bought Baby Einstein or any other educational videos for my kids. When they started regularly watching television, the very first thing I ordered were the Classic Mickey Mouse DVDs. You know, the shows we grew up watching — where Goofy is going skiing and slams into the side of a mountaintop. Violent, violent stuff, but even at age 36, I still laugh my ass off at them.